ext_35784 ([identity profile] clauderainsrm.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] therealljidol2014-12-12 10:01 am
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Home Game/Killing Floor - Week 31

It's another week and another Home Game thread, with a Killing Floor twist!

This is a place to post your entries to the latest topic "“The future outwits all our certitudes” if you are not a current contestant. Maybe you were eliminated or dropped. Perhaps you are only now finding Idol but just want to write.

This is the place to link your entry!

The Killing Floor twist means that we are encouraging constructive criticism for the entries - and anyone who either (1) posts two pieces of constructive criticism to this thread OR posts a Home Entry and one piece of constructive criticism will be eligible to send me an email (at [email protected] ) to give me their top 3 choices for immunity for the week.

Have fun!
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[identity profile] i-17bingo.livejournal.com 2014-12-14 05:29 am (UTC)(link)
So there's a magazine whose theme for the next submission period is "Drenched," and so I'd like to submit to them my entry for Week 27, an Open Topic I've titled Cast Away (http://i-17bingo.livejournal.com/176945.html). The rub is this: it needs to be between 3,000 to 7,000 words. It's currently 1,473.

So my question is, is it possible to double its size without padding?

The story as is starts in the middle of the action, so there's plenty of room in the front for expansion. And, while I'm reasonably certain it's self-contained, I will have to bring up somehow (not sure yet) that her family has a bit of a magical bent, but do so without dipping too deeply into my mythology. Not sure how I'd do that.

Does anyone have any ideas?
Edited 2014-12-14 05:30 (UTC)
jexia: (Default)

[personal profile] jexia 2014-12-14 08:54 am (UTC)(link)
I remember this piece! Definitely enjoyable.

I agree with your comment about the start - there's a lot you could explain about her family (Daddy in particular).

Do you think you could combine it with maybe two other of your pieces and link them somehow in a overarching theme?



(It might go well in one of the topics at Latchkey for later in the year- http://solarwyrm.com/2014/11/03/latchkey-updates/)

[identity profile] i-17bingo.livejournal.com 2014-12-15 06:29 am (UTC)(link)
I've spent some time thinking about Daddy, and I have some ideas about him. Thanks for putting that in my head.

[identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com 2014-12-15 05:47 am (UTC)(link)
I think it's definitely possible to lengthen what you have. You've kept the entry pretty bare-bones in spots, there are areas where you could put more descriptions, maybe more inner thoughts from Rafaela. I'm not sure if you'd consider that "padding" or not, but if it relevant to the story - and to letting your readers know more about Rafaela - then I think it is wordage well spent.

A few critique points:
...fifteen-year-old Rafaela Torres shivered on a sandbar in the frigid air of the earliest hours of November, her flannel pajamas and salt-and-pepper pixie haircut soaked by the West Fork White River of Washington County, Arkansas.

When the wraith had swept past her tent, she could have let it go. Of course she couldn't. Follow it, she thought. I've never seen a wraith before, she thought. It'll be fun, she thought.

a) Maybe it's just me, but the term "salt-n-pepper" makes me think of older people. I know her hair is black-and-white, but for me at least that isn't quite the same as salt-n-pepper. I'm not sure if the coloration is artificial or natural, but you might consider using different terminology.

b) If she's never seen a wraith before, and if - as you state a little further down - wraiths are invisible, how did she sense its presence and know to follow it? If it was some sort of feeling (the whole "like someone walking across your grave") describe it / her reaction to it.

"Roy," whispered the man in green, "they always said the bridge was haunted, but--"
The cooler slammed into his stomach.
"Joe!" cried the one in red whose name was Roy.

I know this is supposed to be humorous, but the Roy-Joe-Roy thing strikes me oddly. Maybe add a little detail beyond their names and that they are wearing green and red? Perhaps height (ie: "the taller man in the green jacket"), facial hair, etc?

"Why didn't you help me?" she whined. "I could have drowned! Or squished to death!" –I think this should read "or been squished..."

I’d also like some description of her father, both in a physical sense and also more action from him - all he really does is clap and wipe away a tear.

You've got a good start with this. Good luck with submitting it!

[identity profile] i-17bingo.livejournal.com 2014-12-15 06:28 am (UTC)(link)
I'm impressed that you've managed to point out everything I was hoping to do with the expansion--you've reinforced what I think are the weaknesses. I even plan to go into the "salt-and-pepper" thing a little more.

Thank you.

[identity profile] roina-arwen.livejournal.com 2014-12-15 01:43 pm (UTC)(link)
Glad I could be of assistance! If you want a beta reader before you submit, feel free to ask me. :)
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