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therealljidol2014-12-12 10:01 am
clauderainsrm.livejournal.com) wrote in therealljidol2014-12-12 10:01 am
Entry tags:
Home Game/Killing Floor - Week 31
It's another week and another Home Game thread, with a Killing Floor twist!
This is a place to post your entries to the latest topic "“The future outwits all our certitudes” if you are not a current contestant. Maybe you were eliminated or dropped. Perhaps you are only now finding Idol but just want to write.
This is the place to link your entry!
The Killing Floor twist means that we are encouraging constructive criticism for the entries - and anyone who either (1) posts two pieces of constructive criticism to this thread OR posts a Home Entry and one piece of constructive criticism will be eligible to send me an email (at [email protected] ) to give me their top 3 choices for immunity for the week.
Have fun!
This is a place to post your entries to the latest topic "“The future outwits all our certitudes” if you are not a current contestant. Maybe you were eliminated or dropped. Perhaps you are only now finding Idol but just want to write.
This is the place to link your entry!
The Killing Floor twist means that we are encouraging constructive criticism for the entries - and anyone who either (1) posts two pieces of constructive criticism to this thread OR posts a Home Entry and one piece of constructive criticism will be eligible to send me an email (at [email protected] ) to give me their top 3 choices for immunity for the week.
Have fun!
no subject
I really love the theme you open with and would prefer to have all three stanzas stay slightly more true to that.
Your first four lines are inspired and truly perfect. The fifth and sixth line stalled me because I didn't feel that "sails" worked with the shift to the ocean bottom. You could start a second stanza with that visual. And keeping with that critique, I then got thrown out with the living room line. It felt too modern, and not ocean-y enough. I love the next line about the dolphins. Likewise, the mountain line felt misplaced.
So, personally, I would prefer the theme to run continuous. I love how much thoughtful emotion you've coaxed out of melding other poets' lines.