therealljidol | Home Game/Killing Floor

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clauderainsrm.livejournal.com posting in

It's another week and another Home Game thread, with a Killing Floor twist!

This is a place to post your entries to the latest topic "“The future outwits all our certitudes” if you are not a current contestant. Maybe you were eliminated or dropped. Perhaps you are only now finding Idol but just want to write.

This is the place to link your entry!

The Killing Floor twist means that we are encouraging constructive criticism for the entries - and anyone who either (1) posts two pieces of constructive criticism to this thread OR posts a Home Entry and one piece of constructive criticism will be eligible to send me an email (at [email protected] ) to give me their top 3 choices for immunity for the week.

Have fun!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

pixiebelle.livejournal.com

To me, this read almost like an article I'd read online - well-researched, informative, and well-written. So good job with those points.

However, it did became a little heavy with the facts, mentioning so many of his movies in a short paragraph, it almost became a distraction to me. It made it hard to focus sometimes.

I would have liked to see a more personal spin on it, something only you could have brought to the subject. Your thoughts, some bit of insight that gives a reason for writing the entry. I liked the ending line, and think that perhaps focusing a bit more on that throughout would have given the story a stronger sense of purpose or meaning.

But again, I liked that last line and the overall message, it just needed a little more of that, I think.

From:

penpusher.livejournal.com

I have to say, in the 31 weeks I participated in Idol (after all, there was a week [0]), this is the first actual concrit I have received on anything I have written, and it occurred after I was already out of the competition! So, thank you for that.

I did list a lot of things, you're right, but I left out a considerable amount as well! Bill Cosby has had a sprawling and massive career and I wanted to list off the highlights because they are so varied and so lengthy. He is a part of the American fabric. I think it's crucial, especially if you only know him from his most recent work, that the list is there.

As for the personal spin, I would say you are right about that, but I think I'm just still a bit too close for that this quickly. Really, trying to understand someone that you assumed you knew, assumed you liked and assumed was good is excruciating when it all comes out this way. An analogy I would use that would actually fit what we're talking about is being over the toilet after the first wave of nausea has ejected. There's a moment to breathe, assess, maybe flush and then the realization that there's more to come. That's kind of where I'm at mentally with all of this.

Maybe I should have waited to write something about it, but I just had to get it out. And maybe I'll write more about it at a later time, when there is more distance... In a sense, that's kind of what Cosby's victims are doing now - as they were attacked in the 1980s and 90s and are finally standing together, ready to face their tormentor.

Thanks again for reading it and for your thoughts. I very much appreciate your comments.

From:

pixiebelle.livejournal.com

I think with a subject like this, it is very hard not to list out a bunch of facts. Bill Cosby is known for so many things. I think the trick is to remember that for many readers, they also know many of his accomplishments too, so listing out everything isn't necessary, just giving a highlight of the ones that are meaningful to you or to the entry is probably best. But I struggle with this all the time when writing articles. I have a bunch of facts that I think are important, that tell a story I want to tell and I write it all out only to discover what was supposed to be 1,000 words turned into 3,000 words. I have a difficult time with not wanting to include every interesting fact and tidbit when writing on a subject so huge.

But learning to walk that line is important, and it's something I'm working on as well. Perhaps if the entry was split up a bit, with more content other than his history at the top, it might read better. Many people are going to be reading not to get a personal history of Cosby's career, but to read a new take or to learn something from you that they couldn't have learned from somewhere else. So starting off with a little more of that to draw people in might be a good idea.

But I agree, it's hard when it's a topic that's close to you. And in this case, I think you did a great job of getting your thoughts out there in a way that you needed to do. It's always hard giving concrit when it's something personal because in all honesty, you're writing for you, and honestly, that's the best kind of writing there is.

All in all, I think it was well-written and did exactly what you were hoping to do, which in my eyes is always a good thing.